


Not in that way

by fullsvh



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Again, Amnesia, Based on a song, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, One shot I think, i dont know how to tag im sorry, i think, not in that way by sam smith, unbetad we die like men, word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 17:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30059208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullsvh/pseuds/fullsvh
Summary: Donghyuck wakes up everyday not remembering a single memory, not even who Renjun is. Today is no different.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	Not in that way

**Author's Note:**

> I finally got a break after 3 months and all i wanted to do was word vomit and here we are! Thank you and enjoy reading : 3

**_When you're not there, I find myself singing the blues_ **

The golden afternoon light woke him up through parted curtains. He feels the slow register of waking up, well rested, as he stretched his body awake. One by one, he opens his senses. 

It was warm. The heavy cotton blanket lay heavy on his body, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Despite the afternoon light, it wasn’t hot. He cracked his eyes open and saw that it wasn’t just the afternoon that was golden. Everything was. 

Directly in front of him is a tall window leading to a balcony, and beyond the balcony were treetops of varying orange and brown leaves swinging with the wing. A tell tale sign of fall. 

He closed his eyes again and turned his back from the window, turning to the side of the room that didn’t have a light source. But his slight rustle on the bed apparently. He hears a quiet shuffle of feet coming closer to him. And where his hips meet the bed, he feels a dip as someone sits beside him. 

“Good morning, sunshine,” a soothing calm said, with a kiss on the forehead. This automatically elicited a smile from Donghyuck, feeling all warm inside. A kind of warmth not from the thick blanket enveloping him.

It was a bit too late now to try or even pretend to be asleep. Donghyuck just hummed in response, not fully waking up all his five senses yet.

“You hungry? I cooked you something,” the voice said again, tapping gently the side of his hip. At this, he tried to open his eyes. Before him, just inches away from his own face, are warm angelic eyes smiling at him, patiently, lovingly.

“C’mon, Hyuckie, up. You need food,” he said, still gently but a bit more insistent, leaning backward and into a sitting position. Donghyuck got a good look at him now with all the space between them. He was a relatively petite man, and probably small, he could tell despite the fact that he was still sitting. 

He took a long deep breath as he stretched all of his limbs, twisting by the hips, cracking his bones. A pause. And then he finally got the energy to sit up, and, unsurprisingly, he was taller than the person in front of him. 

Before it hit him.

_ Who is he? _

_ Who am I?  _

Donghyuck felt the dizzying realization that, there was in fact, no information in his head. He felt a bubble of anxiety coming up in the form of hollow breaths. 

The boy in front of him probably sensed his turmoil because his expression suddenly changed and he got up, just to kneel in front of him, taking him in an enveloping hug, shushing his worries away.

“Shh, shhh, there, there Hyuck, I’m here. There’s nothing to be afraid of,” he whispered like a chant, like a prayer. 

_ Hyuck _ , he recon,  _ must be his name. _

He took Hyuck’s head in his arms and rested it on his own chest, gently caressing his hair, the back of his neck, his back. The man smelled of cinnamon and fresh laundry, and a hint of crisp fall air. And he feels himself grounding. He releases his clutch he didn’t know he had on the blanket beneath him, and will himself to relax as he senses the end of the gentle caresses that envelop him.

Sure enough, the boy pulled and cupped his face. The man’s gentle smile was intoxicating and he finds himself smiling back despite his circumstances.

“You good? I’m Renjun. I’ll explain everything later. Wanna grab a bite?” 

At the mention of food again, Hyuck finally feels the emptiness of his stomach and the dryness of his mouth, and he nods in response. 

“Game! Let’s go,” Renjun said, standing up first and grabbing Donghyuck’s hand in his, guiding him off the bed and out into the rest of the house. 

**_Can't bear, Can't face the truth_ **

What Donghyuck thought was crisp fall air was actually a product of all the candles alight in the house. Outside of his bedroom, to his left is the kitchen and dining area and to his right was the living room where a three-wick candle was burning.

He immediately broke off from Renjun and followed the scent. The aroma was minty, a bit sweet, a tethering smell between the crisp fall and the frosty winter. the label says “Sweater Weather”, and, despite not remembering anything else, it was most certainly his favorite scent. 

“I love this smell,” he said, looking back at Renjun, already at the kitchen counter, laying out food.

“You say that every day, actually,” he said, smiling fondly. Hyuck feels heat in his cheeks from embarrassment, although he knows Renjun probably didn’t say that to shame him. 

He brushed it off and went to the kitchen where not even the aromatic candle can penetrate the smell of good food. 

“What is it?”, it was a humble meal, fitting for a first meal at 2PM in the afternoon. 

“Grilled pounded rice cake with sweet potato and grilled rice cake with banana filling. The syrup is chestnut honey and some nuts. You like your first meal with something crunchy," he said matter of factly. 

Hyuck really couldn’t complain and despite his amnesia, he knows he’ll like whatever the dish was. He sat down and ate, taking tentative first bites, and sure enough, despite the small rice cakes, it had a punch of flavor. Also, Renjun didn’t lie about him liking something crunchy. The soft rice cakes topped with semi-crashed nuts were something his newly-awakened palette was grateful for. 

He could only hum and groan his approval 

Renjun brought out a small carton of banana milk and a small series of containers with pills inside. 

“Hey, Hyuck,” he said as he settled down in front of Hyuck, leaning on the table to place the banana milk and container in front of him. 

“I actually got errands to run for a moment, would you be okay on your own? I’ll be back in 45,” he said carefully, not wanting to elicit offense. 

“Are you not gonna eat first ?” was all Hyuck could say, knowing he can’t possibly hinder anyone’s day because of his still unknown condition. 

Renjun only raised his eyebrows at him, going into a more playful and comfortable attitude.

“You thought I was gonna wait for you to wake up at god knows what time to have a meal? You’re wrong,” he said with a smirk as he got up. Hyuck, a bit appalled, only rolled his eyes.

He ate in silence for a bit as Renjun gathered his things. Before going out, he checks on Hyuck as he downs half of his banana milk for some final reminders.

“These are your medicines, take one for Friday. If you get a headache, take the one on Monday. Finish your meal and leave the dishes on the counter, I’ll fix them up. And here’s your camera. Have fun for today, sunshine” he said with a smile that made Hyuck wonder if he had a surgical procedure that had him smiling the whole time. 

Hyuck nodded at all the reminders and bid him a safe travel. He finished the last rice cake along with the syrup and nuts, drank the medicine for Friday, and proceeded to his bedroom, ready to tinker on his new toy.

To his dismay though, the camera only blinked red at him, signifying its low battery percentage. He searched his room, and even went out to the living room but to no avail. The charger was not in sight.

Beside his bedroom was another door, presumably Renjun’s, but when he opened it, it was more like a study room than a bedroom. Stacks of books, and upon looking, medical books, papers, magazines, journals and other paper goods were littered around the place. Overwhelmed, he left the room without scanning the place for the charger.

He heaved a heavy sigh and went back to his room. A bit lethargic, he went back to his room and opened the balcony door to let the chilly air in. it was refreshing at most and in no time, he was snuggling in his bed again and fell back to sleep, closing his eyes as the clock read 2:15PM.

**_You will never know that feeling, you will never see through these eyes_ **

Hyuck woke to warmth, which he thought might be from the mid-afternoon sun. But as he opened his eyes, he was surprised it was already so dark.

He took a deep breath and was about to stretch his body when a familiar scent caught his attention: cinnamon, cotton and the faint scent of the scented candle. Aside from that, he registered a heavy feeling on his hip. 

He opened his eyes and tried to adjust in the darkness of the room, not even the city lights beyond the treetops in front of the balcony. He felt it up and to his relief, it was an arm.

Renjun was probably sleeping beside him, and in this case, behind him, and had his arm draped around Hyuck. 

Feeling giddy, Hyuck turned around so that he was once again facing Renjun’s chest, breathing in a familiar and calming scent.

“Good morning again, sunshine,” Renjun said, his voice hoarse from just waking up.

“You can’t say good morning when it’s not morning,” 

“Time is a social construct, whatever happens, you say good morning when you just woke up,”

“Is it time that is the social construct or is it the greeting that is constructed to be time-bound,” 

“Hyuck, are you sure you have anterograde?” he said with a light chuckle, to which Hyuck only chuckled in response, too, although the remark didn’t really sink in. 

They fall into a comfortable silence, only the sound of their breathing and the muted busy streets outside keeping them company. 

“How was your errand ?” Hyuck, finally asked, half curious, half wanting to just hear Renjun talk. 

The boy let out a small grunt first before narrating his day, something about the acquisition of medicines and some grumpy pharmacists. 

“If someone ever belittles me again and my medical knowledge just because I’m short, I’m really throwing hands. I have never met someone so rude,” he shared, so passionately enraged even in the comfort of their proximity. 

“You should have decked him,” Hyuck told him bluntly which made Renjun laugh so hearty it vibrated in his chest, where Hyuck was currently resting.

_ I made him laugh,  _ he thought and smiled to himself.

Truthfully, he doesn't know how many minutes have passed, but he is once again falling asleep, and this time, to the sound of Renjun talking. The boy probably noticed it due to the lack of response or reaction, and he only chuckled.

“Well sunshine, I guess good night to you,” he said and placed a ginger peck on the crown of Hyuck’s head. 

"Good night, too, I love you," he said. Because Hyuck felt it was right, because for once, he  _ knew _ it was right.

"Right," and he laughed, and Hyuck might be imagining it, it sounded like a nervous laugh.

"Never let your boyfriend catch you saying that though," he added.

"But you already heard it,"

A perk or peeve that comes with resting on someone’s chest aside from actually feeling them laugh, you can also feel their heart drop. This time again, like how Renjun’s smile is contagious, so is his fear. Hyuck felt himself grow cold under the warm blanket and despite the proximity to another body. 

“Hyuck?” Renjun said carefully, to which Hyuck tried to hum in acknowledgement but failed and it turned into a small whimper instead. 

“... did you think I was your boyfriend?”

**_I'd never ask you, ‘cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say_ **

Donghyuck would lie if he said it didn’t hurt, but he thinks it was still too much to actually shed tears over a matter he doesn’t even fully know. And perhaps, he will  _ never  _ truly know. 

So when Renjun shuffled to lift Hyuck’s face to look at his, a face littered with concern and worry, Hyuck was a tiny bit embarrassed.

“Donghyuck, did you not open your camera?” he said gently. 

Whatever Hyuck thought Renjun would say, it was not that, and it kinda took him aback.

“It had low batt, and I couldn’t find the charger, so I went back to sleep instead,” he confessed gingerly, which earned him a tiny laugh from Renjun. 

_ Goddamn it, _ he thought,  _ he should really stop smiling and laughing lovingly like that _ .

“That’s typical of you. I guess new meds really make you lethargic. You’ve been so for the last three days,” he said. At this point, whatever information Hyuck comes across to will always be  _ new  _ information to him. 

“C’mere, let’s go,” Renjun said, breaking away from their space and wobbling in the dark until he found the light switch, and got out of the room. 

All the while, Hyuck was still on his bed contemplating, or maybe shocked since there was so little thoughts and memories to contemplate about.

Renjun came back a few moments later with the charger and a book.

“Where’s the cam?” he asked before he spotted it himself on top of a drawer.

He set it up on the small table and Hyuck finally sat up to watch him do his thing. When the boy was able to open the cam, he motioned for Hyuck to come. 

Hyuck got up lazily, and still a bit embarrassed, especially with how calmly Renjun was taking all these… Almost like… this wasn't the first time Hyuck mistook him for his boyfriend. 

He sat down adjacent to the boy, where scooted over a little to show him the camera screen. 

“Look here, Hyuck, this is your own personal vlogs, you actually named it 37.5 mhz,” he said with a fond chuckle and handed the camera to Hyuck to watch the latest vlog.

“ _Hello! and welcome to haera with a viewership of 37.5% So, you woke up with no memories again? Here’s what happened…_ ” 

The Hyuck in the video was bubbly, and fun and radiates life. No wonder Renjun calls him “sunshine”.

Apparently, he and Renjun were part of a group of seven friends. He and his boyfriend works as Criminal Lawyers and one day, they got involved with a bad crowd, a bad case. The perpetrators ambushed them one day which left them in a bad car accident.

Hyuck had the bad end of the stick and had a bad brain damage that resulted to “anterograde amnesia”, the inability to create new memories, all the while with retrograde amnesia, forgetting all memories before the accident. This left him with no memories at all. For the past 3 years.

Renjun was his nurse. He was initially a Neurologist doctor, but at times, he stays as an at home or on call doctor especially for Donghyuck.

His day yesterday was fun. He was with two other men and they were playing an intense round of Uno. By the looks of it, Renjun already lost and was the one handling the camera.

And then they were drinking for a bit, and someone called “Jeno” excused himself, saying they had work. Renjun as the medic in the group, prohibited Hyuck of more than 5 shots. That left Renjun and another one, “Jaemin”, who actually enjoyed the booze.

Loud music was playing in the background. Hyuck was the one with the camera now, filming his friends. Hyuck felt… so alienated. Like he had a bad case of alcoholism that he forgot what he did the night before. Except that it happens every day and without the alcohol involved.

But he also felt relieved, that despite not remembering, it was nice to see him having fun. He browsed through other videos, and all of them start with an explanation of his situation. Sometimes there’s footage of them having fun, sometimes they’re three, sometimes four, rarely, seven. Some footage it really was just him narrating his whole day, but it was still evident that he had a good day.

He could only hope the same could be said now.

After a while of blanking out, Renjun slid him a photobook. 

“This is you and your boyfriend. Some of them are of us, all seven.”

Hyuck took it quietly. Some of the picture look recent: it was him and Jeno on a couch, wearing oversized red hoodies, one where they were both wearing a jacket and Jeno had him on his back; one where they were wearing an almost matching denim shirts; a photo where they were both gaming on the phone; one where they were at a bay side, Jeno lying down on his lap.

The worst part about this is he knew, he can see,  _ they  _ were in love. Jeno and this Donghyuck were  _ in love _ .

But not today.

Today, he loved Renjun.

**_You'd say I'm sorry, believe me, I love you_ **

“I’m sorry, Hyuck,” as he smiled his usual smile, giving Hyuck a light squeeze of the hand.

**_but not in that way._ **

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it here, first of all IM SORRY, and second THANK YOU!! The song is Not in that Way by Sam Smith, and also semi inspired by the movie "Before I go to Sleep". Comments and feedback are greatly appreciated! I just wanted to add that if you squint hard enough, renmin is there : ) 
> 
> catch me on twt @ neosvl : 3


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